There Ain't No Necronomicon!
     Copyright 1992 by Eric Hoffman and Poke Runyon

     (To the tune of "A Modern Major General".)

     Every few years you will see
     An ad as well-writ as can be!
     Offering for sale a book...
     Whose title is the selling hook.

     It's called the Necronomicon,
     To summon horrors from beyond...
     Or so 'twas claimed by H.P.L.,
     Writ by an Arab mad as hell!

     The author, poor Abdul Alhazred,
     Was 'et by demons in Damascus --
     And how his book survived...
     Don't ask us!

     Lovecraft's fans both far and near
     Have searched for many a fruitless year
     To find this book of evil spells
     But the truth is sad to tell...

     THERE AIN'T NO NECRONOMICON!!!

     There is a Key of Sol - o - mon
     And a Lesser Key, Lemeg - a - ton.
     There's a Grimorie of Honorius
     And other works notorious...

     Heptameron, Enchiradon, complete
     With Tetragram - ma - ton
     But there ain't no Necro - nom - ee - con,
     Of that we have no doubt!

     There's a tiny little Grand Grim-wah,
     An absolutely True Grim-wha,
     And Solomon's  Ars No-tor-ee-ah,
     But where's the "Necronom-ee-kha?"

     There's Aramadel and Arbatel
     And other catalogs of hell...
     There's Picatrix ( not pick up sticks)
     And other books of dirty tricks!

     There's manuscripts quite Faust - tee - on
     In Tablets in Enoch - ee - on...
     But there ain't no Necronomicon,